A treadmill run that I didn't want to cut my wrists.

Just in case you haven't glanced at the date, it is January 31st. So of course I am reflecting. Gotta stay on track to succeed. My New Year's Resolutions was to 1) not lose conscious from over intoxication 2) log 1000 miles in 2013 and 3)Complete 3-4 half marathons 4) take strength training seriously. I just checked and I am at 71 miles for January. 83 was the number if I was going to do the same amount each month. So 12 miles short. Damn. Guess Ill have to make that up somewhere in the next 11 months. I'm not too worried..well about the 12. But I am glad I looked at it. Will be paying more attention to it. Strength training...well I did it twice last week. This week 1. Not going that great. Still haven't lose conscious from drinking. So that is right on track.

I did 7 miles today on the treadmill and you know I didn't hate it too much. I guess I was really into my music. There is never anything on the TV that I can get into. Although, I am not looking at a wall, I am looking at a empty field so the view could be worse. My pace on the treadmill is always slower then outside. I bet I could have bumped up my speed, but I was going for endurance not speed. I always set the treadmill on incline too. Default: I go to 1%, which actually felt kind easy today. I thought about kicking it up a notch, but my stomach started to get if'ey. Must have been the cookie dough and ice cream I had for dinner last night. Don't judge. When I first started running, I had GI issues, but since I been running for a year now, I've learned a few things. What to eat and what not to before a run. Or day before a long run. Which today was only suppose to be 3, I just can't count. A TM run almost never makes me forget I'm running. But today I was in the zone. I would have kept going but my stomach and treadmill only had 15 minutes to go. 

Headbands. Am I the only person who can't wear these? I don't get it. Every time I do they end up falling off. It's frustrating. Is my head too big?

Tattoo. I have been on the fence for awhile on this. Biggest reason is because of where I want them. On my wrists. But been thinking lately. I am 99.8% sure I am a lifer at the place of employment I have. With that being said, a tattoo isn't going to keep me from making a decent living. My right wrist I was the word "Breathe" on it. Most people think I am silly for this. But I am a person who HATES failing. Almost to the point where I push too hard. When I see or tell myself to breathe, it reminds me it is OK to fail. The world isn't going to end. Relax Christy! The second tattoo I want is fairly new, but when I saw it I knew I had to have it. Other then "Kindness matters" its my philosophy in life. 

This would be on my left wrist. I love everything this says. It's pushed me so many times when I didn't think I could do something  I remember the first time I did 13 miles. I wanted to stop so bad at 12. But I kept telling my "mind over matter, Christy, mind over matter. You can do this." And you know what? I finished. I will NEVER forget that run. This philosophy applies to more then just physical activity. Life in general. 

I am a little afraid of dying of ink poisoning though. Which I understand is stupid, I mean come on. I'm not getting a home made tattoo. I'm going to a professional! But knowing how crazy dumb my body is, Ill be the exception. The rare case where something horrible happens. I mean come on, we don't have the best of luck.

Changing goals and a confident long run

You have a problem when you schedule all vacations around a race. I was looking at my Runner's World magazine this afternoon, when I saw a advertisement for The Rock N Roll Marathon in Chicago. My first thought, "Is there a half?" Second thought after finding out there is, "How can I afford this?" I am not a big money maker. I have a decent paying job, that most days, I don't dread going into. My husband isn't Bill Gates. I have already spend 350.00 on races/hotels for upcoming races. So, I did the only thing I could think of. I went to Facebook. I asked if I had any kindhearted friends living in Chicago, and perhaps I could crash on their couch. It worked. I didn't even have to give a sappy made up story about how my best friend from high school died and was going to their funeral. There ARE nice people out there! Luckily for me, it is a person I trust. Most people on my Facebook  I trust. Although, there are a couple people I would have declined..or well at least took my husband's gun with me. So the plan is to leave Saturday morning, stay the night and the race is Sunday. Maybe do a little shopping afterward/relax, then head home. All in a days work, right? I'm so excited. I've been to Chicago once, and loved it. But I was much heavier then and hadn't started running. I do remember thinking it would be a great city to run. The Mr. and I will be trying again for a baby by then, so this could get postponed til the following year. Depends on how far along and if it's "healthy" to run. I'm terrified as it is to "try" again, I won't be taking ANY risks.

This morning I readdressed my goals. I am 10 pounds from my original goal. But when I was thinking about it, my ultimate goal is to get a sub 2hr half marathon time. I don't  care if that's 1:59:59 I want it so bad! The thing is I KNOW I CAN DO IT! But I think I need to be a little lighter then first thought. So I think another 20 pounds will help me reach that. Like I said, it has nothing to do with vanity. It's really about that PR. So I am going to lay off the beer. As of lately, I have really wasted a ton of calories on it. I will still have a drink here and there, but I really need to focus.

This past Saturday, I woke up and was questioning how the long run was going to go. Honestly, it was suppose to be 4 miles. But being the over achiever, I told myself 5. Well, it was one of those runs where EVERYTHING went good. I ended up stopping at 6.43, and only did that cause Hubby wanted to get to the gym before I went to work. I took a rest day the day before and had a unhealthy amount of ice cream. I just know that's what contributed to it. So I might make that as a rest day routine. The weather was great. There were a lot of runners on the trails and people walking their dogs. I love seeing people being active! It was one of those confidence building runs, that reminds you why you go through then pain in the first place.

Jumped back into the saddle!

So when I first started this journey, I began taking spin classes. I went into my first class alone and was thinking this is going to be cake. Boy! was I wrong! Spinning is a workout! Of course it is great cardio and it strengths your legs. Which if you are a reader of mine, you know I hate strength workouts. But since it combines both I can deal. I actually love it. I only stopped doing it because it was too much when I got further into my training for the half marathon. So I picked it back up and will do it for a while, until I get deeper in the training again. Last night, Bob was the instructor. Oddly enough, he was the the instructor for my first class too. He is hardcore. Always, pushing you and mixes things up. Also, very funny guy! The only thing I don't like about his classes are they are always busy. But that must say something about him as a instructor. He is good.

Running. It's going OK  I'm not thrilled with it but I'm working on it. I can't seem to pace myself right now. Today, I did 3 miles. 31 minutes. That's way to fast for me right now. But I slow down and feel like I'm a slug. I am going to have to get that in check or I will never make it past 5 miles. I don't really know why I care so much about speed. I have always been the kind of runner out for distance. Not speed. So this is surprising to me. My long run this week is only scheduled for 4 miles, so I will be working more on pacing with that run, or it will be a miserable.

I'm looking for a good 5K to do soon. I saw one about chocolate and beer. Maybe? Heard about any 5K's coming up soon? Maybe a good Cupid's 5K?

Something stupid and ice cream

I am pretty sure I am going to do something stupid tomorrow morning. We are having a very short spell of nice weather. Today it was 59 degrees. Tomorrow is suppose to be the same maybe even a little warmer. So with that being said, I am going to take full advantage of it. I am still on restrictions, but the more I think about it the more I think it's to cover her butt. I am taking it slow and not pushing myself with speed and no hill repeats..yet. I did 5 miles on Thursday. Felt great. I wanted to go a couple more, but didn't want to push to much. Maybe I was feeling guilty. But I haven't had any weird feelings or pains, I don't see any problem. Like I was saying, doing something stupid tomorrow; I haven't done a long run in FOREVER. I'm thinking 6-8 miles. I like the number 7. But I will just let my body tell me when to stop. No pushing..yet.

I love ice cream. If given a choice of dessert, I will always pick ice cream. Who wouldn't? I was at Kroger and I usually go for Ben & Jerry's. Very yummy, but it is very costly money wise and calorie wise. Considering I only get 1220 calories a day, a whole container of B&J is 1200. I wouldn't get to eat anything else, unless I did a long run that day. I came across Arctic Zero. 150 calories for the whole pint. I thought it's too good to be true, but bought it anyways. To my surprise, it was good. Not B&J good, but it defiantly has my ice cream craving taking care of. I've only tried the Chocolate peanut butter one. A half a cup is 37 calories. You seriously can't beat that. I can't wait to try the other flavors.

Today was a rest day from running. I went to the gym. I was dreading it. The reason. The stupid stair-master. I love it, and hate it all the same. It does wonders for your thighs, hips and butt. Also, I credit it to my improvement in running. You think you are in good shape. Do stairs. I promise you will get a good workout. I was able to do 45 mins before the nightmare. Did it today. Only got 20 mins. I was okay with that. Gotta build back up. I then jumped on the elliptical for another 20 mins. I was on the elliptical when I came across reason number one why I hate the gym. Nowhere to spit. I know this sounds gross, but I am a runner. A runner that runs outside. It happens.

Don't stop my run to chit chat!

I am not following a training plan yet. I won't be starting that until I get released from the Dr. (I got my blood work back today. Shouldn't be more then 2 more weeks. Hoping next week, but not holding my breath.) Basically, I am doing 3 miles every day. I really didn't want to run today. Mostly because I loathe winter. I use to be a fan of cold weather. Not so much now. I complained on Facebook for a couple minutes, saying: "Winter is the only time you will hear me say I would rather run on a treadmill. But I was sucking it up and hitting the pavement." I layered up and got to it. I always do this too. I dread the first half mile and then I warm up. There was no ice, which I was nervous about. The sky was so clear, every star was shinning bright. I got back to my house at a little over 3 miles. If I was cleared from the doctor I would have doubled that. Perfect weather, perfect scenery. 

Let me ask you a question. Does anyone else think it's rude to completely stop someone running to have a conversation? Let me explain. I was running tonight when this guy stopped me. He was older. Ummm, if I had to guess I would say late 50's. But then again it was dark and I would not be able make a living at telling age. Anyways, I guess it doesn't matter. I figured he had lost a pet or something. I have been stopped by several cat lady's looking for there beloved. This is how the conversation went:

Old man: How far you running tonight?

Me: Just a couple

Old man; Nice weather. 

Me: Yep. (Smile and nod. Go to resume Garmin)

Old man: Any ice out there tonight?

Me: (Losing patience) Haven't came across any yet.

Old man: That's good. Well, Ill let you get back at it. Nice talking to you.

Me: Same here. Take care.

Oh my word! First off let me say I am very friendly. More so then I should be really. I am constantly waving and saying hello to anyone who looks my way. I've always been like that. But even more so to fellow runners. It's like we have a bond. You get me, I get you. But if you want to have a conversation, get to running! I will gladly listen to how Sally rubbed black marker on your walls. How Oreo buried your favorite shoes in the backyard. But we need to be running! I should not have to stop my run to chit chat. That's the primary reason if I am running in daylight I choose trails. Once I start, I hate being stopped. My gym is about 3 miles away from me. So I've run there a couple times. But I end up hating myself every time. Traffic lights, cars and people walking. 

So my question to you, does this bother you too? 

Tis the season to be sick

The last couple days I've been under the weather. It started off as a sore throat. Then came the runny nose. Last night was a rough night sleeping. I would fall asleep for 10 minutes only to wake up coughing. I eventually did get some ZZZZZ's. But when I woke up I had chills. I got out from under the blanket for a bit and took my temperature. It was 103. Freaking great! Just what I wanted to see! I called to get a appointment at my Dr. They can't get me in until tomorrow  Add more fuel to the fire. BTW, what is it about Monday's and Dr. offices. I had to call two different doctors, and both times I was put on hold for what seemed like a century. I decided to take a sick day from work, and try the self medicating approach. So Tylenol to get my temperature down. Vitamin C to....well I'm not sure what that does, but I always hear that is good to take when sick. Then just some over the counter cold medicine. I could totally do the whole Dr. career thing! Bring on med school!!!

On top of being under the weather, I woke up really emotional. This is probable going to be TMI, but I woke up to a lot of blood. Just another reminder of what happened. I start to move on and then it's thrown in my face again. I tried the alcohol route. Eh, well not this morning. I think that would have been a little inappropriate  It was only 8 a.m. Maybe if it 10, I might have been able to justify a beer or two. Anyways, like I was saying. I tried drowning my sorrow in beer. It doesn't last, and it doesn't benefit my training. So, my only other coping mechanism is running. I was expecting it to suck considering I'm sick. But to my surprise it was the best run since being back at it. Just 3 miles, but it wasn't stressful. I didn't have to push to get there. Unlike the last couple times. My average heart was 137, which is where it should be again. The first couple runs they were 160 or higher. Hoping that in the next week my body returns to normal and I can start pushing.

How do you let it go?

                                                             
                                                                    "Story of my life"

To say I am still mad is a understatement. I'm beyond that. I keep telling myself life isn't fair. That is something that is so obvious. EVERYONE knows that. That just makes me more mad. I'm mad at my body. Mad that it failed me. I don't understand what I did to deserve this. I know I have done things in the past that aren't great...but I think I am being over charged. Mad that I worked so hard to get healthy, and did it the right way. I didn't starve myself. I've went down that road before. I was determined not to do it again. I count calories and exercise. If there is anything "unhealthy" about what I do, it would be in the exercise itself. Running in particular. I'm sure I push too hard. I hardly ever take a rest day. If I do, I end up cross training. It's the only thing in my life I feel like I have control over. Sounds so stupid.

I'm even madder at God. I've never considered myself a Christian. It's confusing to me. Religion. I believe in God. 100% Before all this happened I prayed every single day. For my family, Matt and then for myself. I prayed that he would give us a child. Prayed 30 times a day that He would give me strength to deal with what I could not control. Prayed that He would help me understand that His plan is better then mine. Prayed so stinkin much I bet He was sick of hearing me. Then it did happen and I prayed again. Thanking Him, giving him the glory. We were happy. Matt was happy. He was excited. That in itself was happiness to me, that Matt was excited. The dream ended and I'm mad. I've prayed a couple times since then...but they haven't been "nice" prayers. I know that sounds horrible, but it's true. What in the world could this teach me? It's just a sick joke.

Mad that my running has suffered. I didn't chose for this to happen. I couldn't run for 24 days. I'm only released to run 1 mile every other day. But I can't do math, and have been doing 3...every day. Yesterday's run has me a little concerned, so I'm backing off a little. It surprises me how fast you lose endurance and speed. Right now it's everything I can do to get to 3 miles. My pace. What pace? I was at 9:30-9:50. Yesterday 10-11. MAD!!!!! But if there is a bit of hope that we will have a child...I don't want to push too hard and completely mess that up. So before I get a bunch of "take it easy" comments, I'm backing off. At least until the Dr. says it OK  I go for more blood work tomorrow  I'm hoping they are closer to being negative. Last week they were at 301. To get back to negative, I need to be at 5 or under. Fingers crossed. I just want this nightmare to end.

Not sure if I'll ever forget this. Right now I'm concentrating on forgiving  Forgiving myself for this happening. Forgiving my body for failing. Most of all forgiving God. He forgives, if you ask, I hear. I think I need to forgive myself first to ask Him to forgive me. How stupid does that sound? I need to forgive God. Who am I?

Nobody.