Tis the season to be sick

The last couple days I've been under the weather. It started off as a sore throat. Then came the runny nose. Last night was a rough night sleeping. I would fall asleep for 10 minutes only to wake up coughing. I eventually did get some ZZZZZ's. But when I woke up I had chills. I got out from under the blanket for a bit and took my temperature. It was 103. Freaking great! Just what I wanted to see! I called to get a appointment at my Dr. They can't get me in until tomorrow  Add more fuel to the fire. BTW, what is it about Monday's and Dr. offices. I had to call two different doctors, and both times I was put on hold for what seemed like a century. I decided to take a sick day from work, and try the self medicating approach. So Tylenol to get my temperature down. Vitamin C to....well I'm not sure what that does, but I always hear that is good to take when sick. Then just some over the counter cold medicine. I could totally do the whole Dr. career thing! Bring on med school!!!

On top of being under the weather, I woke up really emotional. This is probable going to be TMI, but I woke up to a lot of blood. Just another reminder of what happened. I start to move on and then it's thrown in my face again. I tried the alcohol route. Eh, well not this morning. I think that would have been a little inappropriate  It was only 8 a.m. Maybe if it 10, I might have been able to justify a beer or two. Anyways, like I was saying. I tried drowning my sorrow in beer. It doesn't last, and it doesn't benefit my training. So, my only other coping mechanism is running. I was expecting it to suck considering I'm sick. But to my surprise it was the best run since being back at it. Just 3 miles, but it wasn't stressful. I didn't have to push to get there. Unlike the last couple times. My average heart was 137, which is where it should be again. The first couple runs they were 160 or higher. Hoping that in the next week my body returns to normal and I can start pushing.

How do you let it go?

                                                             
                                                                    "Story of my life"

To say I am still mad is a understatement. I'm beyond that. I keep telling myself life isn't fair. That is something that is so obvious. EVERYONE knows that. That just makes me more mad. I'm mad at my body. Mad that it failed me. I don't understand what I did to deserve this. I know I have done things in the past that aren't great...but I think I am being over charged. Mad that I worked so hard to get healthy, and did it the right way. I didn't starve myself. I've went down that road before. I was determined not to do it again. I count calories and exercise. If there is anything "unhealthy" about what I do, it would be in the exercise itself. Running in particular. I'm sure I push too hard. I hardly ever take a rest day. If I do, I end up cross training. It's the only thing in my life I feel like I have control over. Sounds so stupid.

I'm even madder at God. I've never considered myself a Christian. It's confusing to me. Religion. I believe in God. 100% Before all this happened I prayed every single day. For my family, Matt and then for myself. I prayed that he would give us a child. Prayed 30 times a day that He would give me strength to deal with what I could not control. Prayed that He would help me understand that His plan is better then mine. Prayed so stinkin much I bet He was sick of hearing me. Then it did happen and I prayed again. Thanking Him, giving him the glory. We were happy. Matt was happy. He was excited. That in itself was happiness to me, that Matt was excited. The dream ended and I'm mad. I've prayed a couple times since then...but they haven't been "nice" prayers. I know that sounds horrible, but it's true. What in the world could this teach me? It's just a sick joke.

Mad that my running has suffered. I didn't chose for this to happen. I couldn't run for 24 days. I'm only released to run 1 mile every other day. But I can't do math, and have been doing 3...every day. Yesterday's run has me a little concerned, so I'm backing off a little. It surprises me how fast you lose endurance and speed. Right now it's everything I can do to get to 3 miles. My pace. What pace? I was at 9:30-9:50. Yesterday 10-11. MAD!!!!! But if there is a bit of hope that we will have a child...I don't want to push too hard and completely mess that up. So before I get a bunch of "take it easy" comments, I'm backing off. At least until the Dr. says it OK  I go for more blood work tomorrow  I'm hoping they are closer to being negative. Last week they were at 301. To get back to negative, I need to be at 5 or under. Fingers crossed. I just want this nightmare to end.

Not sure if I'll ever forget this. Right now I'm concentrating on forgiving  Forgiving myself for this happening. Forgiving my body for failing. Most of all forgiving God. He forgives, if you ask, I hear. I think I need to forgive myself first to ask Him to forgive me. How stupid does that sound? I need to forgive God. Who am I?

Nobody.

Fell off the wagon

Due to Dr.'s order's I am still not allowed to run. Or exercise.  To say I am unhappy about this is a understatement. It just adds to the anger I already have. I can just image my first run. Ha! I might just do 26.2 miles out of anger and sadness.

So because of that I am trying to be more on point with what I am eating. I have way over indulged  But mostly because of the holidays  There is food freaking EVERYWHERE!!! I wish I could use that as a excuse.  But it's my own fault. I've gained 18 pounds. So it's time to get back on the wagon before it turns into 30 and so on. I was at the grocery store looking for some good snacks...healthy snacks. I found this.

I love popcorn. But it's kinda a trap for me. I will demolish a whole bag. Although there are worse snacks out there, the calories at up. I tend to stay away from these 100 calorie snack things. Just because I feel like they are wasted calories most of the time. Cookies and brownies in the 100 calorie packs are worthless. They aren't filling and you end up eating more then 1 pack. But the popcorn, you get a decent amount and it's filling. A huge fan. They have several different kinds, but I am just a kettle-corn girl. Butter popcorn makes me want to vomit. Disgusting.

So I have decided on two different half marathons. The first one is Kentucky Derby Half. It's April 27. I am planning on doing this with my friend Kara and a friend from work, Jarrod. Not planning on PR'ing here. I just want to run and have a good time with good friends. The next one is 3 weeks after. I will be planning on a PR. It's the Rite Aid half. I got a coupon for 5.00 off the registration. So why not?! The course is pretty flat so I can think of no reason not to try to get under 2 hrs!

Any races planned yet for 2013?

A short lived dream...

I've been away for a bit..in the blogging world. I did complete my first official half marathon. It turned out to be only 12.67 miles. I was bummed after the fact. The day of the marathon was rainy and chilly and WINDY! Now I can run in rain. I can run in cold, but I draw the line at wind! I know, I know, call me a wimp.  It just adds so much resistance. It would have been better if the first half was going into the wind and then coming back it was at the tail of it. Lucky for me, it wasn't. So the first 7, 8 miles was bliss. I zoned out. It was a breeze. I was relaxed and enjoying the moment. It was along the river in Dayton. It really only drizzle here and there. So rain wasn't much of a issue. Cold really never bothers me. You warm up pretty quickly. I reached 9 miles and my legs were cramping. The wind was killer. There was a moment where I was running and a guest of wind came, It made me feel like I was running in place. I looked around and people around me were saying the same thing. I ended up taking a quick walk break to see if I could get my legs to stop cramping. No such luck. I turned my music up and just pushed through. If I walked I was just going to be out there longer. So I started running again. I ended up finishing at 2:15 I was bummed a bit. I wanted to finish in under 2, but with the conditions I knew early in it wasn't going to happen. I had a great time and I'm glad I did it.

I'm going to be real brief about this next part. It's not something I want to talk about or even think about. But day after Thanksgiving we found out our dreams were coming true. I was pregnant  The Mr. was so excited. I loved hearing him talk about it. Even more thinking about him holding the baby. I had barely just started believing it was true. Thats when our dream turned into a nightmare. Long story short, I started spotting. A week went by. I was calling my Dr  like every day. Finally on Friday they scheduled me for a ultrasound. I think deep down I knew it was going to be bad. Even the nurse told me to relax. I couldn't though. At the end of the ultrasound, it was determined that it was a ectopic pregnancy  Basically it didn't implant in the womb. A week after crying and being mad and sad and depressed, today was my first day back at work. It's a step in the right direction. I'm not liking happy people right now or people in general  But I will get over it. It's apart of life. If its too get to be true, it usually is. We are suppose to learn that early in life.

One of the worst things about this whole experience is that I can't run right now. The Dr. wants me to be cleared of "this" before I go back to working out. Turns out I can die. A few days ago, that wasn't such a bad thought. Before I say this next statement, I AM NOT SUICIDAL and DON'T want to die. But I just feel like I have nothing to live for. No purpose. I know when  I am cleared for running it will help with this, its just this period of time I'm not dealing well with. I've never done drugs before, I tried one cigarette once and hated it. That's the jest of my "drug" experiment. Friday I wouldn't have thought twice about coke or anything to make me numb. Selfish, stupid, yes, but that's how bad my heart was broken. But instead, I concentrated on finding another marathon to do.Probably, because I wouldn't know the first thing on how to get anything like that. I think I've decided on Louisville, KY half marathon April 27th. A decent amount of time to train and early spring so its not too hot. I train outside all summer, but I think there are few marathons that start at 3:30 or 4am. I am hoping to get cleared on Monday, so I can get back into the swing of things. But official training won't start til the first of the year. Oh! Did I mention there are hills in the marathon?! I'm nervous and excited! Nervous of failing, but excited to push myself! Guess hill repeats will be apart of my near future!!!

That's the "cliff notes" version of the last 2 months. 2012 started off bad and it's ending even worse. I will be so glad to say bye to it! Hoping for a better year for me and the Mr. By the way, please don't comment on the "short lived dream" I don't need to hear sorry or anything like that. I just needed to vent a little, since running isn't allowed.

What are you training for? Any races coming up? 

Pounds mean nothing to me, NOW.

When I first started this, I graded my progress on pounds lost. I am currently down 82 pounds. I have hit a slump. Pretty much it's just slacking on my part in the eating department. I'm eating to maintain right now, where I should still be trying to lost the last 3 pounds. I mean C'MON MAN, it's so close I can taste it. There was a 2 week period where I was eating poorly. But, thankfully I think I have it back under control.

Like I mentioned above I have lost 82 pounds. Which IS a lot, don't get me wrong by my next statement, I am proud. But I am prouder of the improvement in my running. I started off with a average pace of 12-13 min miles. I think that is pretty common for new runners. I am now averaging 9:45-9:55 a mile! HOLY SMOKES!!! I use to dream about 10 minute miles! I love seeing the statics and details of my runs. It's makes me want to improve more and more. Another thing I see improvement in is the StairMaster  I started off barely being able to do 5 minutes. Tonight, I did 45 minutes. I still HATE the machine, but love that it kicks my butt. Honestly I think it is a big contributor to the improvement in my running.

I found a running buddy!! I work with him. Started off today with 4 miles. It was good. Time flew by. I think we are pretty close to the same pace. Or he was holding back on me, which he said he wasn't. He added some sprints, which I NEVER do, so that was good. He said it builds stamina and strength. I'll take both! I'm going to be looking to run with him at least once a week.

Fall running? I LOVE it! Sunday the high is suppose to be 53! That for sure is the day I will be doing my long run! Fo sho! I have been doing 10 the last couple weeks...I need to push it back to 13. So anything over 11, I will be proud of.

Run Happy.

I've been in the market to buy a new pair of shoes. A lot of my friends rave about Brook's shoes. So I did my research and decided upon Pure Connects. (Although, I'm wondering if I should have tried the Pure Cadence) I just got them today, so I haven't ran in them yet. I am half tempted to take them for a quick 3. But yesterday I did my long run (13.01 miles) and you might have guessed it, I am sore. The back of my thighs are screaming. But it's good cry. I'll update you once I've used them.

As I mentioned above, my long run was 13.01 miles. I just wanted to see if I could do it. Friday I had a bad feeling the run was going to be bad. Too much fiber in my diet the last couple days, but for some reason I wasn't going to the bathroom. Running always gets me fixed in that dept. I was worried that I would have stomach issues during my run. Got started at 4:45am Saturday morning. I decided to just stick around my neighborhood as I wanted to be close to a bathroom. So I did my 2 mile mapped neighborhood route 6 1/2 times. My stomach did bother me toward the end, but I didn't have to stop. Other then the fact it got boring toward the end, I think it was a success. I kinda felt like I was on the treadmill. I finished in 2 hours 9 mins. Which is amazing, for me. My average pace through the whole run was 9:57. That is fast for me. I had been averaging 10:20 a mile. I guess all that reading on the elliptical is paying off! Bahahahaha. For race day, I hope to finish in under 2 hours. But that might unrealistic. 

Since I have reached my goal of 10:00 miles, I will need to make a new goal. The information about this blog says I'm working toward that goal. I just need to make sure it's attainable. I can be a overachiever at times. I've been trying not to over do it, as I don't want to get injured. I can't image the type of person I would be without it these days. I wouldn't be a nice person if I had to give up my running. Just can't image my life without it. 

Tuesday I will be trying yoga out. Another bad habit I have, which I think I have mentioned, I don't do much stretching after a run. So, a lot people have suggested yoga. I will be interested in seeing how it affects my running. I can tell I am stiff. I was shaving my legs the other day, and I can tell that the muscles in my legs are stiff. I can barely stretch my legs out fully. And its kinda painful. So, I will be adding yoga to my routine...probable just once a week at first. 

Only time will tell!

I'm currently ready Mile Markers. It's a great book so far. There is a quote from the book that's been stuck in my mind and applies to me 100%.

"I am not a good runner because I am me; I am a better me because I am a runner." 

Running has taught me so much. It's made me realize things about myself I didn't know. I am such a overachiever. I don't think anything is ever good enough. I always want to go that extra step. I've learned that I can do so much more then I think I can. When the voice in my head says, I can't do anymore, I want to prove it wrong. I always do. I've learned that sometimes the best medicine is the sound of my feet pounding the pavement and my breathing. There are times I don't even play my music. I just listen. These are the times, I learn the most from my runs. 

January 6, 2013 will be my running anniversary for 1 year. I've already learned so much, I can't wait to learn more. 

Double digits!!!

As the name suggests I have completed my first double digit run. Well, I finished my 2 one today.

Last Saturday, I was suppose to do 9 miles. Got up and started the day like any other run day. Breakfast consisted of 1/2 cup oatmeal, 1/2 chocolate silk milk (light) and 1 tsp of peanut butter. Then I waited a hour. If your a runner you know why. If not, Ill be brief about it. Stomach issues arise if you run on a full stomach. Some are more sensitive then others. Me. I am very sensitive to it. I even have to be careful as to how much water I drink. Back to the run. I started off. Everything seemed to go great. I didn't really have a mapped out route I was following. Just ran where I wanted to. Let me say, there are some very nice neighborhoods around where I live. So I got to 9, and still felt okay. The weather was gorgeous 60's. I had to push myself. So I did. It was tough but I go through it.

Today, the weather was even more beautiful then last weeks weather. 50's when I left the house. I started off and everything seemed to happen so fast. My breathing got into a rhythmic, my legs were feeling so strong. I felt so relaxed. Within the first mile and a half, I was in the zone. I knew I was going to push it then. After-all, whats one more mile after 10? Seriously. Well the first 9 went great, but the last 2, I was really struggling. I didn't take any fuel. No GU or shot blocks. I felt sluggish that last 2 miles. But I am not a quitter. That would easily turn a good day into a horrible day. I just know I would be yelling at myself all day. Failure is not a option to me. I heard my stats say 11.01 miles, and I stopped dead in my tracts. I had nothing left.

Oh did I mention, I have to work at 10am? HAHA. I'm silly. I must really hate myself, huh?

I am back to the elliptical. Originally I did it 3 times a week, when I first started working out. But then running and spinning took up most my time. I don't know what made me get back on. But I did. A bunch of my co-workers have been raving about Fifty Shades of Grey. So I went to the gym. Hopped on the elliptical and downloaded the preview. Let me tell you, I was hooked. I spent 2 hours on that elliptical reading. It is such a good book. Even without the x-rated part, its a good story. I have read all 3 books and let me say it was the best 30.00 spent in a long time. I am currently rereading. Yes!!! Seriously, if you haven't read it, you need too. Plus, reading on the elliptical makes the time go so fast. I only wish there was a way I could read on the StairMaster  There is no ledge or anything. Hmmmmm...maybe I'll come up with a way to attach it on.

They say the last 10 pounds is the hardest. I remember people would say that too me. I would smile and nod, think to myself "no way, this has been one of the easiest things I've attempted in my life" What's 10 pounds when you've already lost 75? Boy was I wrong. First it took me 4 weeks to break 160. Now I am going on 3 weeks at 157. Whew!!! 7 more stinkin pounds!!! COME ON!!!