A short lived dream...

I've been away for a bit..in the blogging world. I did complete my first official half marathon. It turned out to be only 12.67 miles. I was bummed after the fact. The day of the marathon was rainy and chilly and WINDY! Now I can run in rain. I can run in cold, but I draw the line at wind! I know, I know, call me a wimp.  It just adds so much resistance. It would have been better if the first half was going into the wind and then coming back it was at the tail of it. Lucky for me, it wasn't. So the first 7, 8 miles was bliss. I zoned out. It was a breeze. I was relaxed and enjoying the moment. It was along the river in Dayton. It really only drizzle here and there. So rain wasn't much of a issue. Cold really never bothers me. You warm up pretty quickly. I reached 9 miles and my legs were cramping. The wind was killer. There was a moment where I was running and a guest of wind came, It made me feel like I was running in place. I looked around and people around me were saying the same thing. I ended up taking a quick walk break to see if I could get my legs to stop cramping. No such luck. I turned my music up and just pushed through. If I walked I was just going to be out there longer. So I started running again. I ended up finishing at 2:15 I was bummed a bit. I wanted to finish in under 2, but with the conditions I knew early in it wasn't going to happen. I had a great time and I'm glad I did it.

I'm going to be real brief about this next part. It's not something I want to talk about or even think about. But day after Thanksgiving we found out our dreams were coming true. I was pregnant  The Mr. was so excited. I loved hearing him talk about it. Even more thinking about him holding the baby. I had barely just started believing it was true. Thats when our dream turned into a nightmare. Long story short, I started spotting. A week went by. I was calling my Dr  like every day. Finally on Friday they scheduled me for a ultrasound. I think deep down I knew it was going to be bad. Even the nurse told me to relax. I couldn't though. At the end of the ultrasound, it was determined that it was a ectopic pregnancy  Basically it didn't implant in the womb. A week after crying and being mad and sad and depressed, today was my first day back at work. It's a step in the right direction. I'm not liking happy people right now or people in general  But I will get over it. It's apart of life. If its too get to be true, it usually is. We are suppose to learn that early in life.

One of the worst things about this whole experience is that I can't run right now. The Dr. wants me to be cleared of "this" before I go back to working out. Turns out I can die. A few days ago, that wasn't such a bad thought. Before I say this next statement, I AM NOT SUICIDAL and DON'T want to die. But I just feel like I have nothing to live for. No purpose. I know when  I am cleared for running it will help with this, its just this period of time I'm not dealing well with. I've never done drugs before, I tried one cigarette once and hated it. That's the jest of my "drug" experiment. Friday I wouldn't have thought twice about coke or anything to make me numb. Selfish, stupid, yes, but that's how bad my heart was broken. But instead, I concentrated on finding another marathon to do.Probably, because I wouldn't know the first thing on how to get anything like that. I think I've decided on Louisville, KY half marathon April 27th. A decent amount of time to train and early spring so its not too hot. I train outside all summer, but I think there are few marathons that start at 3:30 or 4am. I am hoping to get cleared on Monday, so I can get back into the swing of things. But official training won't start til the first of the year. Oh! Did I mention there are hills in the marathon?! I'm nervous and excited! Nervous of failing, but excited to push myself! Guess hill repeats will be apart of my near future!!!

That's the "cliff notes" version of the last 2 months. 2012 started off bad and it's ending even worse. I will be so glad to say bye to it! Hoping for a better year for me and the Mr. By the way, please don't comment on the "short lived dream" I don't need to hear sorry or anything like that. I just needed to vent a little, since running isn't allowed.

What are you training for? Any races coming up?