2 miles, Halloween and a playlist

Tonight's run was just a quick 2 miles. Splits 12:07, 12:08 Nothing good or bad about this run. Just blah. A run, no matter the distance is better than no run. 

This is the playlist I listened to. Actually the last couple runs. I need to make a new one. Kinda getting bored with it. As you can see it a mix of all kinds of music. I like to add slow songs in so I can slow my run down here and there. Typically go with the beat of the song. Not always, but more so then not I'm in time with the beat. 

Halloween is coming!!! We got her costume today. It was kinda a random thing. We have looked a few places and haven't found any we really like. Found a little lamb costume. It's too cute. I can't wait to see her in it. And of course I'm dressing up like Mary. That's a no brainier. 

Couple pictures of the little cutie. I love her to peices. Tell me I'm not the only Mom out there who has a trillion and 1 pictures of their kid(s) on their phone. 

I'm thinking about trying this 21 day fix thing again. It's just so much planning involved. I am terrible in that department. I'm still on the fence with it. 

Anniversary, Long run and Oprah

The Mr. and I celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary this past week. Although it has been 12 years all together. We have pretty awesome family who was able to watch her while we went out for dinner. Ended up going to a local Tavern. It was pretty amazing food and it was nice to get some alone time with the Mr. although I missed our daughter very much. I knew I would. 

Yesterday was my schduled "long run" and I use that term lightly because it was only 4 miles. I remember when 4 miles was a every day run. Ha. I'll see that day again soon. Mile 2 is still the hardest. But once I get through that I'm in my zone for the most part. Splits were 11:59, 12:03, 12:07 and 11:57. I think you can tell by that last mile that I was pretty well into my zone. Breathing felt easy and my legs weren't too tired. I could have gotten to 5. But then I could see myself saying, what's one more mile? That's typically how I get myself through my long runs. Whatever works. 

Last night while out running I was thinking about something my oldest brother had said earlier that day. He made a comment about how he likes the thought of running, but it's too much work. I only commented saying you have to get past that first running stage. But while running the more I thought about it the more irrated I got. Of course running is hard. It takes consistency and work. It isn't suppose to be easy. If it is, you're doing it wrong. (Although there should be some runs where it is easy) I thought of all these things I should have said. Health benefits, physical and mental. The feeling of accomplishment and self worth. Sightseeing. Stress reliever. Friends you make along the way. I could go on. I wish I could put the work in for him to get him past that part so he can see how great it really is. It just bothered me he said it was too much work. Say it's not for you or something along those lines. At the end of my run, the only thing that came to mind was a quote from Oprah. It is 100% true. 

Feeling like a runner again

This was my run from last night. It was a 3 mile run on the plan for the day. I always start to struggle on the 2 mile, but once I get past that I feel like I can run forever. However, stupid granola was giving me GI issues. I even knew not to eat it and run, that didn't stop me from bashing 4 of those bad boys. When will I learn?! I'm really not concentrating on pace right now. Just trying to build my base up. Overall, I think it went alright. 

One of my sister in laws, who happens to be Addisons Aunt watches her while I go to work. It's such blessing to me to know she is in good hands and someone who loves her dearly. I'm lucky. My reason for bringing this up is, she has a daughter who swims. I dropped Addison off during one of her workouts and it brought back so many mermories. I use to swim almost every weekend. Swimming, like running is cardio and a great whole body workout. I miss it. So I went home and tried my suit on. It fit. It's not perfect and I'm defiantly not a sight to see, but it will be ok enough for me to get back in the water. I'm stoked. Only issue is Addison. I refuse to put her in a nursery right now with all the viruses going around. I'm basically running at night once she goes to bed and skipping the gym. Most my family works full time jobs so I don't always have someone I can ask to watch her. Plus I feel guilty doing so. It's not someone else responsibility to watch after my child. But then again, I would be happy to watch another kiddo to give a Mom or Dad a break. I understand the importance. I'm really not that great at taking advantage of it, but that's because I miss her so much when I go to work. It sucks giving up more time. She will only be this little for so long. So for right now, I will just daydream about gliding through the ripples. 

Learning to be a Mom that runs

Addison will be 5 months on Sunday. It completely blows my mind how big she has gotten and how every day she learns something new. Each day when she is struggling to do something like sit up or crawl. I want so bad to help her. To do it for her. But I trust completely that she can do it. No matter what it is. She can.

We have pretty much gotten her on a set routine when it comes to bedtime. Every night between 7-8pm, she is typically asleep or close to it. To tell you the truth it was fairly easy. We got blessed with a happy, easy going baby. Now that we have that established I'm able to be consistent with my running again. If you run at all, you know it's about consistency. I'm currently doing the gym a few times a week, when I have a sitter or Mr. is able to watch her so we don't have to expose her to germs in the nursery. This bedtime routine is going to be my saving grace. 

Tonight's run was just a mile. This is why. 

Apparently my bladder is still completely broken. And I forgot a stupid pad. It's frustrating. I don't know how to fix it. Kegels. I forget. There is a procedure I can get but we are planning to have at least one more offspring, so I feel like that would be a waste. I guess I keep hoping it will get better. 

I'm itching to spin again. But that's not going to happen until she is a bit older and sleeping through the night. 

Anyone with me? She has just recently got 2 bottoms teeth. Although she hasn't bite me yet... I nurse in fear these days. 

Drop it like a squat

I HATE squats. Now that I say that I'm pretty sure everyone hates them. Do can you explain to me why I've taken on this 30 day challenge? 

 

I just finished Day 8. Boy are my legs aching. Sitting down makes me just want to flip down. Last week it even hurt to walk. I think that has subsided. I'm doing then because it's a great exercise and they work. I already noticed a difference in running. My legs feel so much stronger then the first run post-pregnacy. I'm thinking I will do this a few months in a row. Maybe add some light weights. Although, I had to do my squat a few days with Addison in my arms. Whoa!! I felt the difference. 

Up until now I've advised the jogging stroller because the car seat fits into the stroller and she hates it. But one day while the Mr. was driving I sat in the back. Talked to her, played with her. No crys. This happened a few times. So I got to thinking, maybe she just gets lonely. I tried it a few nights ago and she was happy. So I'm excited to get going with that!! 

Frustration

I've recently had a baby. Yes. I said a baby. It actually happened. It's better then I could have imagined. A baby girl. Addison is her name. I could go on and on about this little lady and how much meaning she gives to my life. But I won't. That's another post. Here's a picture though. 

The joy that smile brings to me! 

On to the topic of this post. I still worked out for the majority of my pregnancy. I think up to week 34 or 35. Mostly the elipical. Running stopped about week 25. I've recently started getting back into the groove. Running is going great. With the exception of one little problem. My vagina is broken. Or in simple terms I end up peeing my pants during my run. Today I even used the bathroom first. Also had a panty liner on. Granted it was one if the small thin ones. But it's frusterating I even have to use one. Yes, I didn't get a baby and wouldn't change it for the world. But....it makes me sad too. Running is apart of who I am. I don't want to give it up. I'm trying to do more kegels throughout the day. I just have a bad memory that seems to have come with having a baby. I even asked the Dr. about it. Turns out if kegels don't do the trick there is a procedure I can get. My only problem with that. I want more children. Atleast one. God allowing. So I don't want to get that done just to have to get it done again in a few years. Only other option, run at night when it's dark and nobody can see when I soil myself. 

Tough choice. 

Caveman Diet.

The official name for this diet is the Paleo diet. I learned about this from a routine visit with my Dr. Long story short I was curios about my Cholesterol and overall general health. I go to the Dr. but that is my Gyno. Well, the last time I had been to my family Dr. was in 09. So things were different. He asked how I lost all my wight and just general questions about how I was feeling. Everything checked out good. Although I am still waiting for my blood work. He asked me my goal. I told him about 140-150. So he then told me about this diet. Explained to me the medical science behind it, and not that I am educated in the medical field, but it did make sense to me. So, of course, being Google dependent, it was the first thing I did when I got home.

I have kinda self diagnosed myself with PCOS. If you don't know what it is, basically it is my hormones being dumb and crazy. Cysts on my ovaries. I have had one cyst that I know of. And that was from a Dr. apt. So I just kinda did research and put 2 and 2 together. The reason I am putting all this out there is because, when I did research on the Paleo diet, turns out it very beneficial to PCOS. That's all I needed to hear! I am desperate to be a Mom and if it means I have to give up yummy food...so be it.

I am on day 7. I am learning different ways to cook other then the microwave and learning to use spices. Not really have cravings yet. Although, I am sad I can't have cottage cheese. I use that as my salad dressing. So I am doing research on a Paleo version. I have also learned that while fruit is good for you, but only in moderation. So I have cut back on the fruit. Mostly veggies and meat. Oh, and eggs. Not a big egg fan, but I am adding things to it to make it not so gross. Also, I've noticed that I am not craving sugar. I have always been a sucker for sugar. I can pass on salt and comfort food. But man, I can bash some cookies! I also feel fuller longer after meals. Today, I had to force myself to eat. From today's run I think I didn't eat enough.

Like I said in  a previous post, I have slacked off. Running isn't too pretty right now. Barely doing 3 miles. Today, I did a little over 2. I felt weak the whole run. I am pretty sure its because I am not eating enough or my body is missing the carbs I would eat before almost every run. Trail and error I guess.

Crap.

...or get off the pot.

I have officially registered for my next half marathon. October 13th. Dayton River Corridor Classic Half. I actually did this last year. To tell you the truth it was horrible to run that day. Extremely windy. But it was close to home and relatively cheap. Last year it was actually a little less then 13.1 miles. So hopefully this year it will be the correct distance. Plus, due to construction, its a new course.

Today I had a Dr. apt. They did some testing on me. Routine stuff I guess. The scale still isn't playing nice. But that's completely my fault. Blood pressure perfect. BMI, I def have a little work to do to get it back down to normal. I can't be mad though, I was in the normal range and then I slacked off. Whats important is I'm getting back at it. Waiting for results on cholesterol and thyroid.

I logged 5 miles today. It was a treadmill run, but none the less a run. I didn't work with speed as I need to build up my base again before I can mess with that. (Although, toward the end I did bump it up to 6.0, but I just wanted to get it done with already.) It feels good to be running again. I am following the same running plan I did for the first half. Today was only suppose to be 3. But I felt good. Tomorrow at least 3.

Stupid me.

Holy moley has it been a minute or two since I last thought about this blog, much less updated. Let me explain.

1) Discouraged. The whole reason I started exercising and eating healthy was to be able to have a healthy baby. Yes, I got pregnant. But it wasn't a healthy pregnancy. I feel like all 80 something pounds were for nothing. Its hard to look past this reason the most. I know in the end, I am better off minus the extra weight. Healthier.
2) Distracted. I've let partying get in the way again. Drinking and staying up late doesn't help getting my workouts done.
3) Boredom. I love running. I am always going to love it. But it kinda got boring there for awhile and I stepped away from it. Granted I only planned to step away for a week or two, but with running if you don't consistently do it...its not fun.

Those are the main reason's why I have slacked off. I am now returning to running almost every day again..but the runs haven't been fun yet. Totally expected it to suck too. I have been maintaining some of my cardio with spin class and swimming. But I think running is the ultimate cardio, so I defiantly feel a difference.
  *Swimming- I use to swim in high school and would do 2-3 miles a weekend. So I figured it wouldn't be too bad. After-all, I'm a runner. Boy was I wrong. I just about died the first swim. I think the first swim I made it to 32. I wanted to do way more, but figured I would drown. My arms are just weak. My fault, I know, because I don't do much strength training. (This is why I am trying to get back into swimming in the first place.) The last time, I made it to 52. I thought for sure it was a mile. You can imagine my disappointment when I asked the lifeguard and she said it was 72. UGH. So, right now that's a short term goal.
  *Spin- I love spinning so much, I am toying around with the idea of learning to teach a class. I'm pretty sure I gotta take a class to learn to teach though. Just an idea. Dumb, I know. But I think it would be fun. I gotta get a little more endurance built up with it though.

Also, I have been back and forth on a full marathon. I keep saying no, I have the rest of my life to run one. But seriously the more I think about it the more it frustrates me. I am waiting for my jacked up body to get pregnant and I am waiting to run a full marathon. SICK OF WAITING. Good things come to those that wait. I call bluff.

Half #1 for 2013

1 of 4 half marathons done this year.

Louisville Kentucky Derby Half- 2:20:27

This is exactly the time I thought I was going to get. I haven't been doing hill repeats or tempo runs like I need to be doing to get faster. Plus, I am still standing still around 155 pounds. So with these contributing to the fact that I didn't eat very much the day before and for breakfast before the race, this time is expected.

A quick run down of the race; Woke up around 3:45 the morning of. I wasn't even nervous. Just excited. Ended up having a banana for breakfast. As this story will prove, I don't plan ahead. I didn't even think to bring breakfast so Mr. and friend went out the night before after I went to bed to find me some food. I didn't want to push my luck so I just told them 2 banana's. I only had one when I woke up. A friend I was running it with was at the same hotel as us. She has 4 kids and didn't want to wake them, so she was hanging in the bathroom. She texted me and wanted to meet in lobby at 6. So I got dressed and headed down. Got in the elevator and realized I forgot my garmin. So I had to go back up to get that. Got that taken care of and went downstairs. Kara was talking with pacers. Talked with them for a bit. Only to realize I forgot my bib. I defiantly had to go get that. Took care of that. Finally had everything I needed. So we started walking toward the starting line. It was chilly but not to bad. I was glad I decided to wear a tank, because I would have been hot. This was a bigger race then any of the others I have done. I loved the whole experience. Pre-race and the race in general. Miles 1-8 was great. Mile 8 things started falling apart. I got a sharp pain in my calf's  So I slowed down. Kara and I were running together until now. But I had slowed my pace a good 30 seconds, so I told her to keep going. I didn't want me to be the reason she didn't do her best. We both were aiming for 2:10. Mile 9-10 was the hardest for me mentally. I had to keep telling myself I could do this. There were lots of spectators along the course so that really helped. I saw a sign that said "You have stamina  call me!" That made me smile. What really helped me was 3 kids, probable 6-8 years old...standing with their hands out for high fives. They all gave me high fives. That gave me a boost out of nowhere. Ended up finishing strong. This next part is how I know what I did wrong for the race.
I crossed the line and slowed down to a jog/walk. When I stopped I saw lights. I felt disoriented. I know it is because I barely ate the last 36 hours. What in the world was I thinking? I did have two GU's during the race, but each one is only 100 calories, and they are fuel. Pure sugar. My body burns that up almost immediately. So after I got my medal, finding the post food was first on my mind. Once I got a banana I felt better. I gotta remember to think more about fueling the day before. 1200 calories isn't enough the day before. I'm going to try 1400-1600. Trail and error.

With everything that happened in Boston, I decided for every mile I was going to run for something that was important to me. These are the things I ran for during the race.

Mile 1- I ran for myself. This is the first and foremost reason why I started running. Physical and mental health.
Mile 2- I ran for the people in Boston who didn't get to finish or was effected by the act. It really pissed me off to see the news in general. But hearing something like that, it's sad. There is no reason for it. They were innocent and harmless people, doing what they love.
Mile 3- I ran for my family. I love my family and wish nothing but the best for each and every one of them.
Mile 4- I ran for all those people who think they can do it. Sometimes a little courage is all you need.
Mile 5- I ran beside a man who inspired me to run with my heart. He had a prosthetic leg. I told him how awesome I thought he was.
Mile 6- I ran for ice cream. Eh, what can I say? It's a addiction.
Mile 7- I ran for the people out there that want kids and cant have them.
Mile 8- I ran to feel pride. To feel like I'm enough.
Mile 9- I ran to have some kind of control.
Mile 10- I ran for silence. (I took out my headphones) Sometimes, we are so busy we forget to listen.
Mile 11- I ran for the learning experience. I think with every situation, we can take something from it. Learn from it. Improve from it.
Mile 12- I ran to prove myself wrong. Mind over matter.
Mile 13- I ran for children who don't love and attention they deserve.
Mile .10- I ran because I AM NOT A QUITTER!

Next half is in three weeks. Cleveland half Marathon sponsored by Rite Aid. My only goal is to beat the time for Louisville.

It's just as much mental and physical

If you have read my blog for a decent amount of time you know that I do my long runs on Saturdays. Well, last weeks 11 was hard. But going into work and being productive standing on my feet for 8 hours was harder. So I told myself since I was scheduled off on Sunday, I could skip it and do it on Sunday. Then I start thinking to myself, "well, you are off so you should just do the 13.1 and call it a day". Then I start thinking, "who stops at 13.1? and wouldn't it be awesome to do 14-15?" What's another 2 miles? Right?

Firstly, let me say I am doing HORRIBLE at eating junk. A lot of freaking sugar. Ice cream in general. I don't know what my problem is. Had a huge glacier from Ritter's last night. Not a small, not a medium a FREAKING large. That was dinner. It was amazing. But I've gotta get a handle on this. I was already trying to make excuses last night while eating it too. I'll just go to the gym and do the stair master and elliptical  I knew what I was eating was going to do numbers on my GI. I figured I would just wing it. So, I wasn't 100 percent sure I was going to run today. I woke up and had a banana. That's when stomach issues started. About 30 minutes of going back and forth to the porcine thrown, I decided to take a shot or two of Pepto. Which is a very bad habit of doing. I read somewhere it messes with kidney's or something within you body that seemed important. (Although, I think this was regarding running in the heat) I just don't want to get in the habit of it. Or maybe I just need to crap my pants on a run. Maybe that will be my lesson?!
Anyways, I got a new bra last night at Dicks. I think it's by Reebok  Most my sports bras are too big now that I have been inducted into the Itty bitty titty committee. So I defiantly was happy to be running in a bra that fit. Got started at a nearby trail. It was chilly, with a slight wind. I can run 10 miles pretty well now. I did experiment with fueling. Most the times, I wait until I'm really struggling. Sluggish  Today I decided to fuel throughout the whole thing. First, shot block was at 5 miles. Didn't feel like I needed it, but I ate it anyways. Feeling pretty good then. Took another somewhere between 9 and 10. I always start to struggle after 10. I tried to concentrate on music and breathing. It was cloudy out today, but the sun would come out for brief moments. That really helped. I can't wait for spring and summer. I want to feel that sun so bad. Got to 13 and I wanted to quit so stinking bad. I just felt so heavy. Plus, I had turned around and was running into the wind. 13-14 was rough. I definitely kelp looking at my watch. It seemed like every quarter of a mile I was glancing. I felt like I was barely running. I was trying my hardest though. I told myself several times, mind over matter, mind over matter. You CAN do this. Believe in yourself. I heard my watch beep and I stopped dead in my tracks!!!

It was between 13 and 14 that it occurred to me. You not only have to train your body, but your mind too. Speaking kindly to myself might be harder then the physical aspect of training. But this run proved it's important. I try so hard being kind to others, I guess I need to make being kind to myself a goal too.

The new bra did feel good, but only until mile 8. I started feeling a discomfort in my neck/shoulder. It never crossed my mind to use body glide. UGH. Stupid me.

First thing I did when I stopped was get off the path and lay down in the grass. I cant explain the feeling of giving all you have. The pride, the satisfaction, the emptiness, the joy. I am way proud of this run. Er, well mile 13-14. Not giving up. Here are my splits:

Split Time Distance Avg Pace Summary 2:25:34.9 14.00 10:24 1 10:55.3 1.00 10:55 2 10:35.9 1.00 10:36 3 10:35.3 1.00 10:35 4 10:35.3 1.00 10:35 5 10:31.9 1.00 10:32 6 10:22.8 1.00 10:23 7 10:25.9 1.00 10:26 8 10:15.4 1.00 10:15 9 10:13.2 1.00 10:13 10 10:28.0 1.00 10:28 11 10:11.4 1.00 10:11 12 10:11.2 1.00 10:11 13 10:05.4 1.00 10:05 14 10:07.9 1.00 10:08

Weather

27°

Feels like 16°

11 mph WNW wind

Humidity 68%

Source: KDAY

Maybe mile 13-14 was so hard because it was the fasted miles through the whole run. Pretty sure, I just wanted to get it done with. I was shocked to see this after. I felt like I was barely going faster then a fast walking pace.
And feels like 16? During my run it felt great. But, I ended up at a park about 6 miles away from my car. I called my brother to come pick me up. Those 30 minutes were horrible. I was sweaty and the wind had me almost in tears. I was freezing! I will be rethinking this next time.
First thing I did was take a scolding hot bubble bath when I got home. Which I'm pretty sure that is a no-no. But there was no way I was taking a ice bath after being cold for so long. NO WAY.

What kind of runner am I?

What kind of runner are you? I saw this one of the many Facebook pages I like about running. In my case, it is true. I am the first picture top, left. It sums me up perfectly. Specially running stats. How else can we know we are improving? Numbers don't lie. So many times, I have went on "feel". But used a app (before I got my Garmin) and thought I was going super slow. When I looked at the stats after, I was surprised. You can't always go on "feel". 

You know how I was telling you about one of my favorite things about running on a treadmill is out running people. Well, I take it back. 

Today, I planned on 3-4 miles on the treadmill. Just a sorta recovery run after yesterday. Not that my legs were sore. Maybe a little tight at first. In fact, the first 2 miles I was convinced I was stopping at 4. (Always going for more.) This guy got on beside me within 15 minutes of me starting. I got to 4 miles and he was still running. So, I couldn't stop. BTW, why do people wear sweatshirts while working out? I don't get it. I can understand if you are outside. But inside, on the treadmill? I start sweating within the first 2 miles. I can't imagine wearing a sweatshirt. Plus, my legs were really loosening up. Feeling pretty good. Then this lady got on the one to my other side. So of course, I mentally wanted to out run her too. Around 5 miles the man stops. So now, all I had left was this woman beside me. That by the way, was running kinda funny. She was like skipping. Not that I have perfect form. But I have never seen anyone run like her. Anyways, I bumped up my speed bit and kept running. She stopped to walk for a bit around 6.25. The type "A" person in me, had to round it out to a even 7 miles. So I just finished out the 7. Tomorrow I am going to do 3-4 miles, but work on speed. then jumping back on the stairs. Ugh. I dread that machine more then hill work.

I am really getting excited for my half's coming up. Although, I know I wont be under 2 hours with the first one. But the second one..maybe? A girl can hope. Er, well she can work her rear end off for it or die trying. Although, I got to thinking while I was running today, once I achieve that what will my next goal be? A full marathon? I want to. But we will be trying again for a baby late spring and I just think that is a lot of pressure on my body. I don't need to added more issues to my already jacked up body. So if we ever do become parents, I can train for it then. Right now, I think I'll stick to the shorter distance. 10K or half. 5K's? I wont mind doing one here or there. But I hate paying for just 3 miles. 

I got the average "Joe" beat

One of my favorite things about running on the treadmill is out running people. The weather is very cold right now and with the wind it is single digits. So I opted for the treadmill. After the emotional roller coaster yesterday took me on, I knew it was going to be a decent run, mileage wise. I didn't really have a number in my mind. Plan was just to run until my problems seemed to not matter. Started running. From the start it was feeling great. Set it on 1% incline and just ran. I always start off at 5.0 then just keep increasing speed until  I feel like stopping. Most the run I stayed at 5.3 Not a fast run today. I was relaxed most of the run. Guy number 1 got on when I was at mile 3. He ran for about 30 minutes and then stopped to walk a bit. Started running again. Then guy number 2 got on treadmill to my other side. He looked like one of those guys that think they are awesome. I smiled to myself because I had a good feeling I could out run him. Most people have me beat on speed and strength, but I got you beat on endurance! Although, I know there are a lot of people who can run farther and longer then me. But I am talking about the average "Joe". Anyways, guy number 2 lasted for a decent amount of time. I was around mile 7. He stopped. I smiled some more. HAHA I started thinking about growing up with all guys. The only girl of four boys. Plus, there friends, guys were around a lot of my childhood. But I remember constantly fighting to be treated the same as them. Just cause I am a girl, doesn't mean I cant hang. I can pull my own weight. This run was living proof. I had a really good playlist going, and the treadmill at the gym has a 95 minute time limit. I just ran until it stopped. I was kinda bummed though. I could have kept going.I ended with 8.50 miles.
After the run, I still wanted more. So I jumped on the elliptical  Every 10 minutes I increase resistance and incline. At the end of the hour my legs were burning. I stretched a little bit. I'm taking this more serious. The last thing I want is a injury. Today during my run, I got a weird feeling in my right calf. It's not painful. Just a weird different feeling. Just want to make sure it doesn't turn into something.

So I haven't been officially diagnosed with PCOS, but I have suspension I have it. My sister in law mentioned that she read a article about treating it with a gluten free diet. I did some research last night about it. I think I am going to give it a try. I am just a bit bummed though. Everything has gluten in it. I'm willing to do anything I can do be a Mom. So Ill deal with it, but it breaks my heart just a little. Pasta and beer will be the hardest to give up. It's not forever, so that's a bit comforting.

iTunes is killing me. I seriously need to step back from it. I go on there and just click click click. Next thing I know I get a bill for 3.99 and 4.99 and 11.99. It adds up. I have a kick butt music library but my pocketbook says "ouch".

Depression and self dounbt

So today wasn't a great day. I woke up feeling very depressed. Just about the whole situation. I feel so stupid saying this because EVERYONE and their Mom knows life isn't fair. But I can't let it go. I am so mad. I can't even express how mad I am. Most days, I deal with it okay. But I worked first shift today and so I stewed about it all day. Just thinking about it ALL day. Lunch time rolled around and I was so emotionally. I was holding back tears. I pushed through telling myself I would get a good run in after work. I was looking forward to that, it was actually what saved me from falling apart at work. I got off work and had to go get blood work. This just added more fuel. I left there. I forgot to eat lunch, so I was starving. I stopped at Taco Bell. I knew once I ate that a run was out of the picture. That would have been a hot mess. Wasn't feeling the port-a-potty situation. So, then I also stopped and got some ice cream. Ugh. Stupid me. Came home ate the Taco Bell and a forth of the ice cream, while watching Tangled. Which by the way, is my new favorite movie! I frickin loved it. So cute. I was feeling really crappy about my situation and the fact I ate like crap. So I went to the gym. Did a hour on the stair-master then 30 minutes on the elliptical  I was so not ready to quit, but the Mr. has to work 3rd tonight and wanted to take the car. So I had to cut it short. I had planned on getting a couple miles in around my neighborhood when I got home. But the Mr. didn't feel comfortable with me doing that since he wasn't going to be home. So that will have to wait til tomorrow. I'm thinking 5-10 miles tomorrow  I just need that feeling like I have some control. Even though I kicked butt on the stairs, running is still the only thing that gives me that feeling. I can't explain why or how. Just is. But hubby left for work and I fell apart. (Hubby knows I was having a hard time. We had a small talk about it, But I really didn't want to talk. He is so good to me. So patient and he has faith. So much faith it leaves me breathless. I wish I had that.) Anyways, I usually just hold things in. I hate being a bother to people. I have lots of support. Lot's of family to turn too. I really am grateful. They know small details as to what happened. But other then the Mr. I hadn't confided emotionally to anyone. Since I didn't get my run in, I needed too. The first person that popped into my mind was my brother John. Like I said I have lots of family that I know would have been there. But John and I have a close relationship. Always have. I turned to him. Although, I wasn't looking for him to make it better. I know no one can. I just needed someone to listen to me, while I fall apart. Although, I don't feel completely better, I do feel a bit relieved. I feel like I can sleep tonight. (Last night wasn't so great)

Saturdays long run went okay. Doubting my goal. Not sure it's realistic. Bummed a little when I saw the time. 11 miles in 1:55:59 So definitely not at or even close to my goal. (13.1 in 2hrs or less) But I didn't plan at all. Just winged it. There were 3 hills. 2 gradual and 1 really steep hill. I just about died. But I never stopped running. I pushed through when I thought I couldn't. When I thought my legs were going to fall off. First hill was gradual. I was feeling good. Not too difficult. Concentrated on breathing deep and from the belly. Then the steep hill came. I just about stopped. I got half way up. I really had to dig deep for this. I got to the top and it probably took me a good mile to really catch my breath. I was around 6 miles. My legs were aching. I told myself get to 8 and I can quit. So I looped around to head back home. I figured I would run until 8 and then I could call hubby to come pick me up. I got to 7 and took some fuel, because I saw the next gradual hill come up. Made it up. Seriously, my legs were screaming. But something in me, made me dig a little deeper. Telling myself I'm almost home and its all flat. So I just ran home. I got to the corner of my street and was at 10.25 Well I hate ending at uneven numbers so I knew I was going to try for 11. When I finished I thought I was going to collapse  Oh, did I tell you I had to go to work in 45 minutes of finishing this? I tried to stretch a bit. My calf's definitely were feeling those hills. They hurt me all day Saturday and Sunday. I'm going to start doing hill repeats, but I think Ill save them for shorter run. Because OUCH!!!

Eh, eating isn't going that great. I know a lot of it has to do with my depression lately, but still. I need to snap out of it and keep whats important in focus. I'm eating to maintain right now and I still need to lose another 30 pounds. Tomorrow is a new day. Improvement is what I strive for.

It's hard to stop when it feels so good.

I woke up this morning with the sun shining in my face. It felt like spring. I got up had my breakfast and checked the weather. It was 45, with some wind. Usually I wimp out and take it to the treadmill. But I'm telling you Spring was in the air. Plus, one of the trails I use runs north to south, and there is a line of trees on both sides that kinda blocks out some of the wind. So off I went. Intended on a 3 mile recovery run. But it was one of those runs where my legs felt strong and breathing was in rhythmic  So I just kept going. I even concentrated on form. Not that I have done much research on it, but I just played around with it. I think it was between mile 3-5. I noticed when I stood up straight and chest out a little bit, I felt like I was gliding along with little to no effort. Here are my splits:

Laps10

View Splits

Split Time Distance Avg Pace Summary 1:23:46.4 8.14 10:18 1 :01.0 0.00 0 2 10:46.7 1.00 10:47 3 10:17.9 1.00 10:18 4 10:29.1 1.00 10:29 5 10:02.6 1.00 10:03 6 10:01.6 1.00 10:02 7 10:11.0 1.00 10:11 8 10:13.4 1.00 10:13 9 10:13.0 1.00 10:13 10 1:30.1 0.14 10:53

Weather

46°

Feels like 39°

18 mph WSW wind

Humidity 61%

Source: KDAY

The first lap...in the splits is from when I was in the car and hit start. I haven't learned all the tricks on how to delete stuff, so I just started from there. The weather is suppose to be getting colder so I'm sure I will be back on the treadmill tomorrow, and it will force me to stick to the training plan. Training plan?! What training plan?

Went food shopping today and found the best thing EVER!! I am in love with anything lemon. I just happen to look at the gum selection and see this!

Best gum EVER!!!! I chew a lot of gum for many different reasons. Gum can kill cravings like no ones business.

Other then my awesome run today, I went to the gym and did a hr on the elliptical.  I was planing on taking it easy, but I was barely working up a sweat and I was 20 minutes in. If I'm at the gym, then I'm going hard. No sense in wasting time. So I bumped up the incline and resistance every 10 minutes. I ended on incline 16 and resistance 15. I was struggling. I just hope my legs aren't jello tomorrow. It wont make for a good run. 3-4 miles tomorrow. So I might have to make a few deals with myself to get through it. Ummm, Girl Scout cookies came in. Mmmmmm.