Depression and self dounbt

So today wasn't a great day. I woke up feeling very depressed. Just about the whole situation. I feel so stupid saying this because EVERYONE and their Mom knows life isn't fair. But I can't let it go. I am so mad. I can't even express how mad I am. Most days, I deal with it okay. But I worked first shift today and so I stewed about it all day. Just thinking about it ALL day. Lunch time rolled around and I was so emotionally. I was holding back tears. I pushed through telling myself I would get a good run in after work. I was looking forward to that, it was actually what saved me from falling apart at work. I got off work and had to go get blood work. This just added more fuel. I left there. I forgot to eat lunch, so I was starving. I stopped at Taco Bell. I knew once I ate that a run was out of the picture. That would have been a hot mess. Wasn't feeling the port-a-potty situation. So, then I also stopped and got some ice cream. Ugh. Stupid me. Came home ate the Taco Bell and a forth of the ice cream, while watching Tangled. Which by the way, is my new favorite movie! I frickin loved it. So cute. I was feeling really crappy about my situation and the fact I ate like crap. So I went to the gym. Did a hour on the stair-master then 30 minutes on the elliptical  I was so not ready to quit, but the Mr. has to work 3rd tonight and wanted to take the car. So I had to cut it short. I had planned on getting a couple miles in around my neighborhood when I got home. But the Mr. didn't feel comfortable with me doing that since he wasn't going to be home. So that will have to wait til tomorrow. I'm thinking 5-10 miles tomorrow  I just need that feeling like I have some control. Even though I kicked butt on the stairs, running is still the only thing that gives me that feeling. I can't explain why or how. Just is. But hubby left for work and I fell apart. (Hubby knows I was having a hard time. We had a small talk about it, But I really didn't want to talk. He is so good to me. So patient and he has faith. So much faith it leaves me breathless. I wish I had that.) Anyways, I usually just hold things in. I hate being a bother to people. I have lots of support. Lot's of family to turn too. I really am grateful. They know small details as to what happened. But other then the Mr. I hadn't confided emotionally to anyone. Since I didn't get my run in, I needed too. The first person that popped into my mind was my brother John. Like I said I have lots of family that I know would have been there. But John and I have a close relationship. Always have. I turned to him. Although, I wasn't looking for him to make it better. I know no one can. I just needed someone to listen to me, while I fall apart. Although, I don't feel completely better, I do feel a bit relieved. I feel like I can sleep tonight. (Last night wasn't so great)

Saturdays long run went okay. Doubting my goal. Not sure it's realistic. Bummed a little when I saw the time. 11 miles in 1:55:59 So definitely not at or even close to my goal. (13.1 in 2hrs or less) But I didn't plan at all. Just winged it. There were 3 hills. 2 gradual and 1 really steep hill. I just about died. But I never stopped running. I pushed through when I thought I couldn't. When I thought my legs were going to fall off. First hill was gradual. I was feeling good. Not too difficult. Concentrated on breathing deep and from the belly. Then the steep hill came. I just about stopped. I got half way up. I really had to dig deep for this. I got to the top and it probably took me a good mile to really catch my breath. I was around 6 miles. My legs were aching. I told myself get to 8 and I can quit. So I looped around to head back home. I figured I would run until 8 and then I could call hubby to come pick me up. I got to 7 and took some fuel, because I saw the next gradual hill come up. Made it up. Seriously, my legs were screaming. But something in me, made me dig a little deeper. Telling myself I'm almost home and its all flat. So I just ran home. I got to the corner of my street and was at 10.25 Well I hate ending at uneven numbers so I knew I was going to try for 11. When I finished I thought I was going to collapse  Oh, did I tell you I had to go to work in 45 minutes of finishing this? I tried to stretch a bit. My calf's definitely were feeling those hills. They hurt me all day Saturday and Sunday. I'm going to start doing hill repeats, but I think Ill save them for shorter run. Because OUCH!!!

Eh, eating isn't going that great. I know a lot of it has to do with my depression lately, but still. I need to snap out of it and keep whats important in focus. I'm eating to maintain right now and I still need to lose another 30 pounds. Tomorrow is a new day. Improvement is what I strive for.