How do you let it go?

                                                             
                                                                    "Story of my life"

To say I am still mad is a understatement. I'm beyond that. I keep telling myself life isn't fair. That is something that is so obvious. EVERYONE knows that. That just makes me more mad. I'm mad at my body. Mad that it failed me. I don't understand what I did to deserve this. I know I have done things in the past that aren't great...but I think I am being over charged. Mad that I worked so hard to get healthy, and did it the right way. I didn't starve myself. I've went down that road before. I was determined not to do it again. I count calories and exercise. If there is anything "unhealthy" about what I do, it would be in the exercise itself. Running in particular. I'm sure I push too hard. I hardly ever take a rest day. If I do, I end up cross training. It's the only thing in my life I feel like I have control over. Sounds so stupid.

I'm even madder at God. I've never considered myself a Christian. It's confusing to me. Religion. I believe in God. 100% Before all this happened I prayed every single day. For my family, Matt and then for myself. I prayed that he would give us a child. Prayed 30 times a day that He would give me strength to deal with what I could not control. Prayed that He would help me understand that His plan is better then mine. Prayed so stinkin much I bet He was sick of hearing me. Then it did happen and I prayed again. Thanking Him, giving him the glory. We were happy. Matt was happy. He was excited. That in itself was happiness to me, that Matt was excited. The dream ended and I'm mad. I've prayed a couple times since then...but they haven't been "nice" prayers. I know that sounds horrible, but it's true. What in the world could this teach me? It's just a sick joke.

Mad that my running has suffered. I didn't chose for this to happen. I couldn't run for 24 days. I'm only released to run 1 mile every other day. But I can't do math, and have been doing 3...every day. Yesterday's run has me a little concerned, so I'm backing off a little. It surprises me how fast you lose endurance and speed. Right now it's everything I can do to get to 3 miles. My pace. What pace? I was at 9:30-9:50. Yesterday 10-11. MAD!!!!! But if there is a bit of hope that we will have a child...I don't want to push too hard and completely mess that up. So before I get a bunch of "take it easy" comments, I'm backing off. At least until the Dr. says it OK  I go for more blood work tomorrow  I'm hoping they are closer to being negative. Last week they were at 301. To get back to negative, I need to be at 5 or under. Fingers crossed. I just want this nightmare to end.

Not sure if I'll ever forget this. Right now I'm concentrating on forgiving  Forgiving myself for this happening. Forgiving my body for failing. Most of all forgiving God. He forgives, if you ask, I hear. I think I need to forgive myself first to ask Him to forgive me. How stupid does that sound? I need to forgive God. Who am I?

Nobody.